a state of confusion yet again

a good friend is in a state of confusion yet again.

she is not exactly a woman you could consider "ideal".

yes, she has the looks... she has the brains... she's struggling with morality, and with the teachings in the religion that she grew up in...

and there in lies the conflict.

she says she was not brought up well by her mother... not well meaning, she has come to be... "academically ready for the world, socially not," as she would put it. and that's how her mother had raised her... "study well." at the age of ten, she wanted to be a "scientist." she dreamt of making a big discovery or proving a theory such as those by the great scientists that we learn about in elementary and high school. later on in her life, she read about philosophers; philosophy was the father of science, anyway.

often during her youth, because of her model-ish height, her mother's friends ask her, "aren't you going into modeling?" or, "do you play volleyball?" her mother proudly declares, "my daughter is into computers & music." when deciding on which course to take for college, she consults her mother. "mother, which should i take, a b.s. in computer science, or a.b. music?" her mother rejects her and says, "you can't make computers nor music as your career. they're financial dead-ends," as if implying financial abundance meant happiness and contentment. "your dad was an engineer. i really admire engineers. to tell you a secret, two of my ex-boyfriends were engineers. choose an engineering field."

and so engineering she took. and while studying engineering, she spent time with computers and music outside of school. a time that, now at 27 she thought, should have been spent investing in friends and relationships with humans, and not just machines like computers, guitars, and keyboards/synthesizers. not that she had not made any good friends....

now, she is 27, the age at which many rock stars and celebrities passed away, mostly usually self-inflicted, either because of drug abuse, or of suicide.

two years before, she joined a social group within her religion where she has rediscovered a lot about herself. a lot about God. she rediscovered a lot. and discovered quite a whole plethora of new-and-interesting-to-her things related to her religion, to God, to spirituality, to the universe, to science. she restarted reading books, fiction and non-fiction dwelling on various topics from business, to self-help/inspirational, to how-to books. at some point, she had thought of becoming a nun, or to be involved full-time with charity, or with religious teachings (either as a "preacher" herself, or as an assistant to one.) also, as she had dreamt of since her youth, she wanted to write a book that would change the world. alas, in recent years, she has discovered that no one book could change the world. if one thing her mom told her was true, it was that, "you can't change others, only yourself."

now, she is a licensed engineer, struggling with her spirituality. she has gone through one traumatic relationship, and three other failed ones. presently, she had met a man who, to her, would be an "ideal" husband. not that anyone was perfect. but, to her the perfect human is imperfect, or he is no human at all.

just weeks before, her sister told her, in a heated argument, "no one will ever like you!" she got hurt that time. the truth hurts. at that time, she didn't argue back. she told herself, "i will do something about it."

and now the state of confusion is at hand. "what am i here on earth for?" she had not fully accepted rick warren's suggestions in the book, "a purpose-driven life," she read only until chapter 11 of that book.

she has that desire to be a good wife, and a good mother, to a future family. and she has that desire to raise that good family, with a good husband, the man in her life at the present fitting that description quite well. she has that desire to see all that in her future family which she has not seen in her family where she is the eldest daughter of two.

she asks herself as if as another person, "is she good enough?" her quick answer is no. she has much to work on, she thinks. and though many have been attracted to her, for she possesses also some bit of wit and charm, unfortunately, these men did not quite "fit the bill." perhaps she should change herself, her attitude.

on the other hand, there is something that is still inside her, perhaps something that has been imbibed in her since her childhood, that is telling her, "go change the world. you will make a discovery. you will make a difference. write that book."

and she is confused. she is not one to be considered normal; and thus although she has these human desires which seem, at the moment, not practical, she does not know where the other road leads to. discover what?

poor friend of mine. right now, the only help i could give her is, to give her sugar when she runs out of it at home.

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there are new posts at the prustrations blog. ideas i have kept since i don't know when. some are comparatively newer. i will develop and expound on them in the years to come. i have decided to publish them here on the RONJBLOG.