This is a repeated article originally posted on 1/14/04 on the prustrations blog. I do not necessarily have the same views, beliefs, and ideas from years back.
Do you think we should call the letter-writer (the wife) in this story, just being "mabait" to his husband? My answer is NO. Thus, I see being "mabait" more closely associated with being loving, or "mapagmahal", rather than with just simply being tolerant.
This is the January 6, 2004 issue of Kerygma Soulfood Bulletin, provided by Sheperd's Voice Communications, headed by Bo Sanchez (one of my favorite writers), and based in Metro Manila, Philippines. To subscribe to the bulletin, send an e-mail to soulfood@shepherdsvoice.com.ph.
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KERYGMA SOULFOOD
by Bo Sanchez
January 6, 2004
SHOULD I STICK IT OUT WITH MY HUSBAND WHO’S ON DRUGS?
Hi Bo,
I just read your last bulletin where you answered a wife's question. I have one of my own. I guess I would like to say that I really need guidance. I have two spiritual advisers, very close friends of mine, who belong to two different communities. When I told them about my marital problems, they both suggested that I stick it out with my husband. But I cannot hold on to this marriage forever.
My husband is a drug user. He and I have gotten into arguments about his habit, and it would sometimes turn into violent fights. He has violent tendencies, because he also gets into spats with his siblings. He also spanks or pinches our son very hard when the latter misbehaves. He has lost his job because he always seems to think that he is above the law (he was caught accepting bribes). Now, what he does all day is play with his PS2 games and expects me to wait on him hand and foot.
He earlier confessed to me that he was put into jail because of drug possession, and that he has since mended his ways, but I keep catching marijuana in his car.
I love him. I have prayed for him over and over again, but he is very easily swayed by his friends. I do not want to give up on him, but he seems unwilling to help himself.
Please pray for me and for my family.
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Leave your husband. And don’t reunite with him until he goes into some counseling or rehab for his drug abuse and violent behavior. That’s the firm condition you’ll set.
Will leaving him make him change? There are no guarantees.
But the probability that he changes is much more if you leave him than if you stay with him. Why? Because when you stay with him, the message you’re giving him is this: "It’s okay for you to take drugs—anyway, you’ll still have a wife here beside you and life goes on normally." I don’t care how intense you nag him about his destructive habit, he won’t change. Because your actions are louder than your words.
But when you leave him, the message you give him is totally different. By leaving him, you’re telling him, "You’re destroying your life. Unless you change, you’ll lose everything. Even your family."
In other words, you need to allow a crisis to happen to his life.
By taking drugs, he’s causing the crisis—but until now, you’ve prevented it from happening.
Don’t prevent it.
Sometimes, the most loving thing to do for a loved one is to allow the bad consequences of their bad decisions to happen. So that they taste the bitter experience and learn—and mend their ways.
Let him feel what it means to lose everything, including family.
Again, I cannot give you guarantees for his change. It may be possible that for awhile, he may even become worse.
In the meantime, you live your life. Focus on the Lord, and let God build you up.
Explain to the kids that you’re doing this so that the family will be saved.
Call up our counseling center at Tel. 9950303 and our counselors will pray with you.
I remain your friend,
Bo Sanchez
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